Description
No one gave me a manual on how to date again after breaking up with my long-term boyfriend. And, let’s be honest, dating can be a total nightmare. How long do I wait to move on? How do I act when meeting someone new? Online? What is the right terminology when dating but not in a relationship? Manfriend? Fling? Buddy?
As a newly single mujer, I was completamente perdida. Which is why I had an epic fail the first time back on the dating scene.
Seven months as a single woman and I still hadn’t given any man a chance. I basically said, “Adios,” to every guy who attempted to get close to me or led him right over to the Amigo Zone. Then came Kevin. Out of nowhere, he broke through my walls. Of course, I tried pushing him away multiple times for fear of catching feelings and getting hurt. I was also scared that he’d run once I unleashed my madness. But he stuck around.
The catch: he was also fresh out of a relationship. We were basically two fools trying to figure it out. A recipe for heartache.
At first, things were as cute as can be; we held hands, sent sweet text messages, and spoke about what could be. Little by little, I let my guard down. It was a wrap; I had caught feelings. Four months and two ridiculous arguments later (one because he wasn’t the first to call me on my birthday and two, because he said he would celebrate his birthday with his family and ended up hanging out with his friends – and didn’t include me!) something had changed. He pulled back and stopped calling as much; I withdrew due to a fear of rejection. We went days without speaking. We stopped holding hands. The red flags were everywhere. But I couldn’t walk away. Instead, I waited for him to get it together and kept making excuses for him for not investing the same effort. I didn’t want to seem needy. Although I could feel there was something missing, I was just too afraid to admit it.
Fast forward six months into our “situationship.” During a drunken conversation, I slipped and said, “I’m falling for you even though I know I shouldn’t be.” He didn’t respond. I passed out from the alcohol. The next morning I regretted it instantly.
He was uneasy, withdrawing by the second. I knew I deserved better, I knew I wasn’t needy or clingy. I just wanted to build a foundation and be with a man who included me in all aspects of his life. I wanted the simple things that matter most. And I needed to tell him all of this. So I called him and asked,“So, what’s the deal? I know something is wrong and you’ve been acting dodgy ever since I said what I said to you.”
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“Yes, I have been distant. I am not where you want me to be and I felt like it was a shit or get off the pot moment,” he replied.
I explained to him that I wasn’t in love with him, my feelings were just growing stronger. I could sense his frustration, so in anger and to protect myself I blurted, “You know what, I think we shouldn’t speak anymore. I think you are a great guy, I hope you find what you want, and wish you the best.” Click. I hung up and burst into tears of fury and sadness. Mad at myself for letting someone get close to me and angry that I felt played. I was trying to see something that wasn’t there. I wanted to believe in love and find the relationship that would repair all the rest and all the heartbreak. I was settling.
Now, I am no longer angry. On the contrary, I am happy to feel again after guarding my heart for so long. Maybe that’s the reason Kevin was put in my path – to remind me to open up. I am thankful that he came into my life and shook it up. Yes, I am still hurt, but I know now what I want and deserve. I know my needs and my deal breakers. I know that I should never be afraid to feel and speak up, and that there is no right or wrong way to have your happily ever after.
Whether it’s a week, a month or a year, dating after a major break-up takes patience. You can’t rush into anything. You can’t try to make something fit when it doesn’t, and you shouldn’t stick around just because you are afraid. Take time to be selfish and discover who you are. That’s what I am doing now and I can honestly say, I’m happy.
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